Russians Accused by British Government of selling multipack crisps separately

HYSTERICAL allegations from Foreign Office as ‘malign and disruptive force’ strikes again.

Renée Russephobia, from the UK Foreign Office, has uncovered yet another attack on British values and freedoms.

She has accused Vladeem Vankovitch, proprietor of the new corner shop in Much Craplock, of breaking open multipacks of crisps and selling each item separately.

“This brazen, indiscriminate and reckless act is exactly what the KGB would do to demoralise, destabilise, bring to crisis and then normalise,” she said.

“The illegal selling of crisps on British soil can never go unsanctioned or unpunished.”

We asked Mr Vankovitch for his comments.

“British government: Blah, blah, blah. What’s going on their heads?” he said, circling his index finger against the side of his head.

“They should take a break from their Russophobia and island mentality.”

“This is totally unfounded. It’s just a propaganda ploy by a politically weak Prime Minister.”

“Porton Down workers should wash their hands before they go out to lunch!”

Ms Russophobia said: “How can we go to Putin’s World Cup now?”

“Just when we would have won.”

“What a shame,” said Mr Vankovitch. “I love the national misery following a failed penalty shoot-out in the quarter finals”

“Still, it is probably my fault I attracted attention.”

“I shouldn’t have called my new sweet shop ‘Novi-chocs'”.

 

Russian flag by Pixabay

 

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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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