Spurs: New home ground after disastrous Wembley performances Lease arranged for local primary school's spare pitch.

Spurs at Wembley
Pitch may still be too large!

DRAMATIC change in venue after miserable Wembley performances.

After Spurs were defeated at the national stadium for the eighth time in 11 matches (this time by Chelsea) Tottenham fans have organised a desperate plan to save their team from relegation.

Wembley was due to host Tottenham for the entire long season while White Hart Lane is rebuilt.

Unfortunately, this plan has totally backfired for Mauricio Pochettino’s exhausted men.

“It’s obvious that the pitch at Wembley is far too big,” said avid Spurs fan, Barry Tucker.

“I am exhausted just walking into the stadium and carrying a pasty up to my seat. Imagine what it’s like to have to run around a vast pitch for 90 minutes every home game. Our players’ legs are shot to pieces.”

“Visiting teams also get really overexcited visiting Wembley, it’s unfair! We have got used to it.”

“Our opponents regard every match as a F.A cup final rather than yet another humdrum encounter played in persistent London drizzle. No wonder they are running rings around us!”

“We think that moving to a much smaller and less glamorous pitch will arrest the team’s woeful form.”

“Fortunately, White Hart Primary school had a spare pitch we can use.”

“It also comes with its own ‘home rules’, which should give our team a serious home-advantage.”

“Matches have to be played over three unequal periods:  two playtimes and a lunchtime.”

“Miss Naga, the headmistress, rings a bell towards the end of these periods but play may randomly continue for up to ten minutes afterwards.”

“Teams have to be selected one at a time from a pool of players in a spectacle of increasing public humiliation – leaving the goalkeepers until the end.”

“Miss Naga insists that a ball bouncing off a post scores a quarter of a goal and the ball striking the cross-bar scores half.”

“The lack of an offside rule at this ground gives rise to a unique sub-division of strikers. These ‘goal-hogs’ hang around the opposing goalmouth, awaiting a long pass forward out of defence which they can toe-punt past the keeper before running the entire length of the pitch with their arms in the air soaking up imaginary adulation.

“The children also rigidly stick to the a 1-1-17 formation giving rise to a style of play that is best described as “Nomadic”. All but four of the goal-hogs migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to another, chasing the ball, and must remain within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.”

“We should beat Real Madrid in the Champions League as Ronaldo, who is 32, will have forgotten playing under these conditions.”

“Not so sure about Neymar Junior if we get Paris Saint-Germain.”

“If he is looking too handy, we have trained Miss Naga’s shaggy feral dog, Johnson, to run onto the pitch to puncture and steal the ball.”

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Photographs by Pixabay
Modified by ‘The Daily Squabble’.
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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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