“WE’RE all spitting feathers! Leave us alone,” insists orangutan.
Indignant animals have reacted with fury to the latest BBC wildlife documentary ‘Spy in the Wild’. The show involves infiltrating animal communities with amazingly life-like animatronic creatures, armed with covert cameras, in order to film the most intimate secrets of their behaviour.
Donald, a wild Sumatran orangutan, contacted ‘The Daily Squabble’, using a satellite phone that one of the snooping-robot operators had dropped in the jungle.
“First of all, we had Sir David Attenborough harassing us,” complained Donald. “We don’t mind him now he’s ninety. We can hear him coming miles away, as he shuffles through the jungle leaves in his slippers. We can smell the sweet stench of his Werther’s originals on the breeze. It gives us time to shut down the BBC iPlayer on our laptops, before stashing them in a rotten tree trunk.”
“But the snooping never stopped with Sir David. After him, have come all sorts of Zoologist-wannabees. I can’t stand it when they ask someone like Professor Brian Cox to talk about animals. He’s a physicist for goodness sake. That’s like Mary Berry presenting ‘Top Gear’ or Dale Winton hosting ‘Newsnight’.”
“Some humans are better than others. I have a bit of a soft spot for Davina McCall. I have closely admired her running with cheetahs and snorkelling with sperm whales – she’s one hot mamma. I don’t mind lathering myself up with soap in front of her, I can tell you.”
“By the way, do you really think we don’t know these stupid new spy animals are robots? My colleagues did drop Spy Crocodile in the river and attempt to smash Spy Rock with a nut. We have all watched ‘The Terminator’ on Netflix. That’s the reason we warily poke an animatronic with a leafy branch – how do we know it isn’t packing a gun and has detailed files on our anatomy? Maybe it thinks one of us will evolve to be Sarah Connor?”
“We’ve now got Spy Orangutan sawing up a massive pile of firewood – thanks for giving it that functionality! Once we have enough tinder, we are going to rip its head off, start our own fire with the sparks as it short-circuits and then we’re taking over! We used to sing, ‘We want to be like you, ooh, ooh’ but after meeting Brian Cox, we’re not so sure.”
“Sure, some of the robots are brilliant. Loved the robot sea otter – that was amazing. Spy Orangutan did look remarkably like my mother-in-law. They could have done better with some of the others. Spy Peccary just seemed to wobble from side to side and what can you say about Spy Bushbaby? I have seen more realistic furbies. I was cheering on that female chimp, hoping she would skewer Spy Bushbaby with her spear!”
“Human beings take everything at face value. BBC viewers all cried when they saw that family of langur monkeys ‘mourning’ for Spy Baby Monkey after they ‘accidentally’ dropped it. My daughter, Yam Yam, pretends to ‘mourn’ whenever she ‘drops’ her iPhone – she is just trying to get an upgrade. I am not buying it!”
“Then the viewers all moaned about the 900 tiny creatures infesting that poor sloth’s hair. ‘Ooh, get some ‘Head and Shoulders” they all tweet in horror – look at those moths!’ A sloth up in the jungle canopy can’t hope to be immaculately groomed. He’s not Joe Hart for Pete’s sake. Although, arguably, England might do better in the next World Cup if they employed a sloth as goal-keeper. It could slowly traverse back and forth underneath the cross bar and dispatch a swarm of tiny fur flies to temporarily blind Ronaldo, whenever he threatened the penalty area.”
“The poor giant tortoise got in trouble for mistakenly humping his robot spy. He really hasn’t got much going in his life – that’s the first gyrating object he has caught up with in 50 years.”
“Send me Davina McCall and I will show you some ‘mistaken’ humping.”
Robot spider photograph from Pixabay.
Public Domain under https://creativecommons.org/publicdomain/zero/1.0/deed.en
(This obviously isn’t one of the BBC’s Spy creatures but it was free.)