Student Union bans the sweets ‘Midget Gems’ until they are renamed

“Confectionery manufacturers have to realise this is 2019”, said Olly Chuzzlewitt, Student Union President of Much Craplock University (formally Much Craplock College of brick-laying and beauty studies).

“They can no longer use terms like ‘midget’ as if we were back in Victorian times or being subjected to ‘The Greatest Showman’.”

“This has to stop. Looking back on Youtube our parents were subjected to the overt sexuality of the ‘Flake’ adverts or thought it was acceptable for an uninvited man to creep through a woman’s bedroom to deliver ‘Milk Tray’.”

“This is not the only sweet name we find objectionable.”

“Over Christmas someone gave me a tub of ‘Celebrations’. What is there to celebrate with the total chaos of a Tory government and a massive student loan? I also had some ‘Quality Street’ – have you been in a British High Street recently? Empty boarded-up shops – apart from the charity ones – and ragged people trudging to the food banks. Those chocolates should be renamed ‘Shit Street’ to reflect the state of the British retail sector.”

“Some of them don’t seem to be labelled correctly. I have issues with ‘Wine Gums’ – most students don’t drink and I tried eating 3 packets of these and didn’t feel slightly tipsy. “

“I don’t think ‘Smarties’ is an inclusive term. How does that make sweets feel that are less smart and need more support”.

“There are many sexist sweets: ‘Aniseed Balls’, ‘Dolly Mixtures’, ‘Yorkie’ and ‘Fishermen’s Friends’.”

“In the days of the MeToo movement how can we possible condone ‘Trio’, ‘Vice Versas’ and ‘Uncle Joe’s Mint Balls’?

“You can’t offer any one of those to a fellow student without being arrested.”

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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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