Theresa May: Shocked to find robot manufacturing industry in Copeland! 'I thought we had closed down all the factories!'

Theresa May in Copeland
Award-winning ‘Turtle-Rescue Robot’

THERESA May’s face sums up visit to Copeland on eve of by-election.

The PM appeared horrified when primary school pupils proudly demonstrated an award-winning robot during her visit to Captain Birdseye’s CE School in Cumbria.

A Government Spokesman said: “The PM apologises for her expression yesterday. She thought that we had successfully closed down all British manufacturing industries and so she was shocked that these young engineers had designed and built an award-winning robot.”

“Don’t they know that retail is the only permitted industry in Britain? It’s our patriotic duty to frequent shopping malls and buy expensive crap that none of us needs. Britain needs you to max out your credit card!”

“Mrs May cheered up slightly when we pointed out that the Lego bricks, which made up this controversial robot, were imported from Denmark and so post-Brexit tariff charges will probably make them unaffordable.”

“We are also reassured that there seems to be a limited market for this robot – which is designed to stop ‘turtles being run over and falling down drains’.”

“Greece might be interested – good luck with selling many to them! They might buy one on long-term hire purchase if anyone is crazy enough to give them credit.”

“These tiny Cumbrians aren’t going to be able to provide a final salary pension to turtle robot assembly line workers with these poor financial prospects.”

A Year Six pupil at Captain Birdseye’s school said: “They might be scoffing now, but if the Tories keep denying climate change, Britain might become awash with turtles. If they fall down the drains around here and become mutated from Sellafield’s radiation, we are talking ‘Ninja-Turtles’ fighting evil, right-wing forces from their sewer hideout.”

“The Government will want our robots to head off an army of reptilian reinforcements then!”

A Spokeswoman for the Department of Health said: “These young entrepreneurs might scupper our plans for a slave-wage retail and service industry economy.”

“We are going to close down maternity services at Cumberland Sausage Hospital to prevent any more of these shenanigans”.

 

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Theresa May photograph by ukhomeoffice [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Lego robot photograph by: https://www.flickr.com/photos/42988571@N08/16585972907
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/
Both modified by ‘The Daily Squabble’.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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