Tories: Only party to guarantee Armageddon. 'Vote for us! We have the balls to press the button!'

Atomic explosion
Tories guarantee global warming!

PROUD to finally have policy they can stick to.

After so many embarrassing U-turns, Tory strategists have agreed on a manifesto promise they can definitely deliver.

Peregrine Snook, retired ex-MP, confirmed: “The Conservatives are the only party who absolutely guarantee swift escalation into a global nuclear firestorm should any other country annoy or snub us in anyway.”

“We realise that most people no longer trust Theresa May because whenever we launch any ill-thought-out depressing policy like the ‘dementia tax’ she ‘may’ swiftly change her mind just a couple of days after it goes down like a lead balloon.”

“We have detected a chilling reluctance from the other political parties to sign up to a guaranteed Armageddon plan and so think this will be really popular with our pro-Brexit core vote.”

“All our wealthy donors have their own fall-out shelters.”

“None of the other parties with their wimpy Marxist, liberal, hippy, nationalistic ideals are prepared to commit to World War III.”

“We think this policy will be hugely popular!”

“Provoking another nation into turning our country into an inhospitable and undesirable, radioactive wasteland is the quickest and cheapest way to reduce net immigration down to the ‘tens of thousands’.”

“We will have full employment as the handful of survivors try to eke out a savage dog-eat-dog existence – just like in the Thatcher years.”

“If Brexiteers wanted us out of Europe, think how keen they would be on no Europe.”

“No one could U-turn the referendum result then!”


Photographs:  Nuclear explosion by Charles Levy from one of the B-29 Superfortresses used in the attack. [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
Doomsday clock by சஞ்சீவி சிவகுமார் (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons




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