Trident missile tested: Flies off in wrong direction! Submarine crew ‘Not too bothered’.


SUBMARINE Captain admits: ‘We haven’t got a clue which way they will go. We just press the button and pray.’

‘The Daily Squabble’ was granted this bombshell exclusive by a submariner, drowning his sorrows in his local hostelry, The Freckled Weasel. We will call him ‘Captain Herbert’ to disguise his identity.

Captain Herbert said: “People think there is a science to this nuclear warfare lark but, honestly, we just press the button and try to forget about it. We haven’t got the foggiest where the thing is going to come down.”

“Once it leaves the submarine, we just want the missile to get a long away from us before it incinerates all of humanity. After it breaks the surface, it’s not really our problem.”

“The Royal Navy test fired a ‘Trident 11 D5’ yesterday, off the coast of Florida, from HMS Kick-Arse, and it was meant to head for Lanzarote. The missile launched perfectly but then changed its mind and whizzed off in the direction of Washington, D.C. The test launch had to be aborted. The crew told me all about it last night on Facebook.”

“Luckily, this time, the abort button worked. Sometimes it’s a bit sticky due to all the spilt coffee and digestive crumbs. By the way, our nespresso machine, on board HMS Bitch-Slap, was broken for the whole of our last 6-month tour! We couldn’t get a new one due to defence budget cuts! Caffeine is very important to nuclear submarine crews – if you want us to stay awake! If only we could afford to employ an electrician.”

Captain Herbert alleged: “Personally, I don’t think Theresa May will mention this incident in the Commons. She alludes to how temperamental these things are by saying things like ‘Not renewing trident would be a reckless gamble’. It’s true, the crew always hold a sweepstake about which direction the missiles will head. I actually launched one by accident last month when I dropped a bottle of vitamin D tablets on the trigger.”

“The most embarrassing thing was that this last one headed for Washington just when Mr Trump was being inaugurated. President Trump loves Mrs May and wants her to be ‘his Maggie’. It would be an awkward conversation trying to explain how we nearly wiped him out on his first day. I suspect that some joker on board does know how to program the missile and selected the ‘Aim for orange hair’ option.”

A Government Spokesman said: “The accuracy and deadly effectiveness of the ‘Trident’ missile is beyond doubt. Now cough up £31 billion for some new ones.”

“We can use up the old missiles after sailing the subs up the Thames to the London Eye for the New Year fireworks display. The redundant Trident nukes will blast off in random directions at midnight. Robbie Williams can input the launch codes after a rousing rendition of ‘Let me entertain you’.”

“The navy is hoping for more success with the next one,” said Captain Herbert. “An engineer lifted the dustsheet from a second missile and blew away the cobwebs. When he opened the navigation module, a rodent was found to be gnawing on the wires; the cook had lost a pair of gerbils, earlier in the voyage. Its partner was probably Washington-bound the previous day.”

“The navigation officer is 50% confident that this one will head vaguely in the right direction.”

“Wish us all luck!”

About The Daily Squabble

Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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