Trump: ‘I think torture is effective. That’s why I recruited Nigel Farage!’

WATERBOARDING is nothing compared to a lecture from UKIP.

A CIA spokesperson said: “We have proved over the last few years that we can succeed without torture.”

“We just blow any suspects to smithereens with a Hellfire missile, launched from an unmanned drone.”

“This saves a lot of faffing around. It’s also cost effective – have you seen the price of water and flannels? And the expense of connecting electricity to someone’s genitals. It’s absolutely shocking. LOL.”

“However, our new President thinks that torture can be effective and so he has asked the Defence Secretary and the CIA Director to consider unleashing the Farage on the residents of Guantanamo Bay.”

Daisy McNutt, UK citizen, said: “I am not sure why they need to import Nigel Farage when they already have the Kardashians, who were constructed in the US. Trump wants to tax shoddy foreign imports. However, the President can have him with our blessing. I hope he keeps him over there.”

The CIA Spokesperson said: “Nigel can’t be everywhere, even though he single-handedly tormented 64 million Brits, so we have ordered a firm in Silicon Valley to create a dozen cyborg Farage clones and will program them to spout endless beer-fumed, jingoistic bollocks past tea-stained, smoker’s teeth.”

Marine le Pen said: “Oh là là. Je voudrais dix Farages, s’il vous plaît.”

Photograph by Euro Realist Newsletter (flickr.com) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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