PRESIDENT gets more and more hungry. ‘Every time I fondle this nuclear trigger – it nearly gets to twelve’, he complains.
White House Aides are desperately trying to explain to America’s new President that he shouldn’t keep wishing for the hands on the symbolic ‘Doomsday Clock’ to finally reach twelve o’clock.
“He thinks it indicates lunchtime,” complained the Environment Secretary. “He’s got McDonald’s on speed-dial but, to conform to his new diet, he’s determined not to phone his order through until exactly twelve midday.”
“The President is paranoid that the clock is watching him or possessed in some way because the hands shift depending on what he does. If he shouts: ‘I deny climate change’, the minute hand wobbles a bit. When he picks up the nuclear codes, it definitely clicks a little closer to twelve, only to ease back when he reluctantly puts them back down again.”
“We have tried to explain that the ‘Doomsday Clock’ is metaphorical and imagined by gloomy-faced scientists but he says that a ‘metaphorical scientist’ is a contradiction in terms; why don’t they finally start believing in proven facts, cheer up, and stop imagining things – like evolution.”
Vladimir Putin said: “I have been trying to shift this blasted lunch clock almost single-handedly for over a decade. Between Donald and me, I think we can finally get there.”
“I am gagging for lunch.”
“Mine’s a Filet-O-Fish!”