US Diplomats in Cuba under sonic attack from weaponised form of ‘Coldplay’

Weaponised coldplay

FIRST recorded tactical deployment of irritating soft-rock.

US Diplomats in Cuba have been reported to ‘Shiver’ and turn ‘Yellow’ alleging that ‘Coldplay’ tracks have been repeatedly played through the walls of their hotel bedrooms.

Randy Squirrel, from the US Diplomatic Service, confirmed: “Several embassy staff have had to receive medical treatment for acute attacks of ‘Mylo Xyloto’.”

“The mysterious ‘Speed of Sound’ sonic attacks allegedly start at ‘Midnight’ and cause ‘A rush of blood to the head’ followed by a persistent ‘Everglow.'”

Mr Squirrel said: “I believe that I myself was subjected to a ‘Coldplay attack’. I could hear some tinkling easy guitar riffs and some continuous weird droning. I became nauseous, restless, started yawning and eventually became almost terminally bored.”

Gavin Rowlocks, a UK citizen who lives 5 miles from Wembley Arena, said: “I get this every time the band are in town.”

A Cuban Official, Enrique Doubleglasias said: “I don’t think the US can complain about listening to ‘In my place’ while continuing to illegally occupy Guantanamo Bay.”

 

Photographs:
Missile launcher:  Photo Credit: U.S. Army Photo
Chris Martin: Frank Schwichtenberg (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)],
via Wikimedia Commons. Both Modified by ‘The Daily Squabble’

 

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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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