Wife accused of employing prescription drugs to beat husband at board games

“SHE crossed an ethical line to defeat me, under the guise of treating legitimate medical conditions!”

Elgan Marbles has accused his wife, Stacey, of employing an arsenal of performance-enhancing medications to soundly thrash him at Settlers of Catan.

“The drawers of her bedside table are bursting with tablets,” complained Mr Marbles. “It is implausible that she needs them all.”

“There are steroids, beta-blockers and a dozen ointments to moisturise and soothe her unmentionable areas.”

“Our bin is stuffed with suspicious jiffy-bags.”

Stacey Marbles said: “I find it so sad that accusations can be made.”

“I strongly refute the claim that any drug was used without medical need.”

“If it weren’t so tediously inevitable that I will be victorious, I wouldn’t need so many undercarriage lubricants – would I?”

“This is just the tip of the iceberg,” complained Mr Marbles. “She also goes to Zumba three times a week to improve her power-to-weight ratio.”

“She has completely abandoned her ethos of ‘winning clean’.”

 

Photo by ‘The Daily Squabble’.

 

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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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