Skiing – why bother when you can stay at the bottom? Avoid the cold, snow and ice with our guide to Winter Sports!

SKI-LIFTS grind to a halt as people enjoy ‘après-ski’ without the actual faff of skiing.

British Winter Olympic team star, Stacey Haemorrhoid, has confirmed she has burnt her skis in the roaring open fire at her Alpine lodge after realising she hates the sport.

“When you think about it,” said Stacey, “the whole thing is moronic.”

“You go up the mountain on a creaking, slow clockwork contraption having elbowed hordes of foreign queue jumpers out of your rightful path: then you come down the mountain.”

“Up the mountain, down the mountain. Repeat. Ad nauseum. Until you get bored, break a heel, an ankle or contract norovirus.”

“The lift pass is the price of a King’s ransom.”

“Dodgy fashion. Expensive gear. Avalanches. Snowboarders. Sun-burnt chapped lips. Overpriced hot chocolate.”

“Have you seen how slippy it is up there? Not to mention the cold.”

“There are bruises the size of dinner plates on my arse from crashing on sheet ice.”

Perennial bachelor, Gavin Rowlocks, doesn’t agree and loves his winter sports.

“I love skiing,” he said. “If I haven’t been 4 times in a season, I have to make it up with extra jet-skiing in the summer.”

“Around and around the harbour in Dubai. And around and around again. Excellent fun.”

“Anyway, I don’t think anyone catches norovirus while queuing for ski-lifts.”

“I have just found it’s unwise to order crayfish in a landlocked country in winter.”

“I do agree that you can have plenty of fun at the base of a mountain.”

“Anyone for curling?”

“I am up for that,” said Stacey.

“Curled up on a beach in Tonga with a cocktail watching topless men ski down the sand dunes.”

“What’s not to like?”


Photograph by Pixabay







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