World Athletic Championship: Finally we get some record times! Norovirus outbreak sweeps the games.

Runners in track

ORGANISERS come up with novel way of ensuring sprint to the finish.

An estimated 30 competitors and support staff have been struck down with norovirus at the World Athletic Championships in London.

Ella Salmon, Much Craplock’s Environmental Health officer, said: “Norovirus is a nasty thing. No wonder I have eczema from the amount of hand sanitiser I am constantly squirting around.”

“I feel sorry for the foreign competitors. Some of them have come such a long way.”

“Ironically, I just returned from a safari in Botswana where I didn’t get sick at all.”

“Mind you, I did take malaria tablets and, before I went, I had massive jabs in my arse for hepatitis A and B, typhoid, malaria, cholera and rabies.”

“My husband contracted dengue fever – but you can’t take him anywhere!”

“I think an outbreak of gastroenteritis should enliven a pretty lack-lustre games. We have suffered disappointing performances from both Usain Bolt and Laura Muir.”

“We had to rely on good old Mo Farah and Jessica Ennis-Hill to pick up gold medals as usual.”

“Jess was presented with one and she didn’t even race this year as she is both retired and up the duff.”

“Finally we should see some frantic action on the track. By shutting the toilet facilities in the changing rooms and only providing them on the finish line, we may see some desperate efforts down the final straight.”

“Up until now, many competitors have had a case of the trots, now they have definitely got the runs!”

 

 

Photographs: Runners by Beat [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Toilet by Tenzinx3 (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Both modified by ‘The Daily Squabble’
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Satirical comedy newspaper edited by 'Mallet' Mike. Documenting the lives and opinions of the fictional villagers of Much Craplock.

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